How about I tell you something that I don’t normally tell people. Because, 1. I’m having an idea… my post entries have been feeling like journal entries, the ones on Instagram. What if I turned my images and post comments into a digital book?! And 2. What if I tell you the stuff that I wouldn’t normally post in public? Cause that’s the good stuff, right? So, here goes…
There so often are times when I hear people say to me, “you seem like you have it all figured out” or something like that… Well, the truth is, I flounder just as much as the next person. I’m not over here with my head screwed on tight all the time like it may seem like. The moments of weakness are real. The pain (physical and emotional) of losing my foot is so real. That battle has been mostly in quiet. There are moments where I can just be doing something and being normal and it will hit me. The tears, the dread of my reality, the anxiety of how I will create a new life, it all comes flooding through me. There are some days where I just close up my apartment by sliding my black out curtains shut, close the doors, turn off the lights and turn on the TV, smoke a bowl, eat pizza and talk to my cats while I fall in and out of sleep for the day.
What I can say is fortunately, is that days like that happen less frequently. However instead, more recently, I found myself trying to make the Universe do what I want it to do for me. With this transition, I’ve found myself living in fear a lot more than before. Then the fear would compound, the stress would rise up and then I would spiral out of control, crying, sleeping, wanting to give up and move in with mom. Here’s how I got out of that. One of the things I’ve been up to for a while is Hypnotherapy. I LOVE hypnotherapy. There are a lot of misconceptions about it. But, let me ask you, have you ever found yourself zoned out and your eyes glaze over? That is a form of hypnosis. Another way of hypnosis is writing in cursive for a decent amount of time. Keeping that in mind let’s start with that, on a list of decisions I made to get myself out of the fear cycle.
- I write affirmations, 4 of them, 4 times in a row, in cursive. The affirmations are all positive and present. Like “I am”, not “I will”. I do this night after night after night until I decide I can move on and change my affirmations. I have several notebooks filled with old and current affirmations all in cursive.
- I decided to relinquish control by not checking emails and Instagram messages past 6:00 p.m. for an entire week. I was always expecting to see something there that was not there, which led to disappointment, which led the voice saying all the things. Just cut it off, don’t look.
- Write a short journal entry of how I felt that day, what new things I discovered throughout my day. What triumphs and/or failures did I experience.
- Wrote a note at my desk and a screen saver of the words “Be Still” to constantly remind me to remain present, be more quiet as to observe and learn and to reflect inwardly on different philosophies of life.
The fourth one helps me maintain perspective. It reminds me of how many possibilities on this planet there are. That I am but a tiny organism, breathing and living for a fleeting moment. Problems seem so small when I think of life that way.
This past week has been so much more relaxing. Things that I needed and wanted, things that I was furiously checking my inbox for, started to flow towards me, just as they should. Right now, I feel strong, but next week that could change. It’s a lifestyle living and thinking this way. It’s a discipline. And I’ve already thought about this morning how I’d like to write about how to maintain discipline, or how to even get to it in the first place. I know that’s a tough one for a lot of people.
Thank you so much for reading and for absorbing my shares and being grateful towards my vulnerability. I hope you enjoy this beautiful weekend that is on our doorstep. Love you!