Stop Apologizing for Doing You

Something I’d like to make abundantly clear to you is I’m constantly working on myself.   How can I be a better person?  A more healthy version of myself, mentally and physically.  TBH, I work more on my mental than my physical.  I mean…. I like things that are not necessarily good for me, like fruit snacks, sour patch kids, lots of weed and the occasional super hard party night.  BUT, as far as mental and emotional health… it’s a non-stop thing for me.  Reading, meditations, affirmations, reminders, breathing exercises and tons and tons of conversations with myself.  The what if I do this, what if I try that.  Here’s one thing I’m working on super hard at the moment, and have been for a few months now:  Stop Apologizing!

We apologize now for missing a phone call, for taking “too long” to respond to a text.  I remember the days when it took a whole day, maybe more for a call to be answered back.  Now, if you don’t answer your phone immediately, we say “I’m sorry I missed your call.”  WTF?!  Why are you sorry for that? 

 

Is that how you really feel?  All day?  Because we all say it fucking day long.  I hear it all the time and I was an offender for a long time.  It’s the hardest habit to break!  I’m not sorry.  I’m not full of sorrow or regret, mournful or sad.  I have not been for a very long time now, so why do I say it all day long?  This word is powerful, as most words are.  It may seem insignificant, but it carries over into your psyche and what you think of yourself. 

Why apologize for living your life and not staring at your phone?  Why apologize for bumping into someone by accident.  IMO, “excuse me” would suffice, with eyes connecting to the bumpee.  We are humans with flaws and constant errors after all.  Are you sad that you are a human that makes mistakes?  Lol! 

What I get concerned with is that we are all sorry for all the things.  Disappointing parents, not providing for our partner and/or family to the degree that you wish, feeling sorry for yourself for not having the job you want, feeling sorry to ask for something you need from a loved one, or maybe even a neighbor.  “I’m sorry to ask…”. Why?!  Why are you mournful and regretful for asking for help?  Since when has anyone lived this life on their own, all the time, with no help?  Here’s the thing:  I don’t think you are really sorry.  I think we all use this word frivolously.  Just like we use Lol in text even when we’re not laughing.  (I know you do this every day)  Me personally, I have a policy about that. 

As women, mostly, we are conditioned to be sorry for this or sorry for that.  We are shamed into being apologetic for how we dress, how we look, even how we sit in a chair.  This epidemic is getting better, but it’s been so inherently integrated into our every day lives, and therefore, it lingers.  Being a stripper for so long, (you had to know that was coming) I’ve learned to be more unapologetic.  After a while of being judged, shamed, ridiculed, shunned, shadow-banned… I either had to stop apologizing or go off the deep end.  I chose to be unapologetic and let me tell you, it’s been such a trip.  The less I cared about what other people thought of me, the less I had to apologize.  And not just in the literal sense, but to myself as well.  Feeling sorry for myself is a thing of the past.  Man, I used to be so emo, so sorry for my poor pathetic self.  As a child into a teenager, I wrote in my personal diaries all the time.  Still, all of those journals exist.  Let’s take a look at one of them, shall we? 

May 2, 2000

“I’m sorry.  I used to think I was good.  Hard working, almost independent, mature young lady.  But now I know what’s true.  I’m selfish, rude and insulting. I have feelings only for myself.  I feel so guilty, so horrible.  How could I hurt someone that I love so much.  How could I take it for granted.  Tonight, she made me fell her anguish and pain.  I thought she was going to beat me she was so angry.  And I deserved it.”

Well, I don’t remember exactly what I did.  Sheesh!  But it must have been bad.  I do remember a night, when one of my co-workers was angry with me and crying.  I remember her face, with those huge, beautiful blue eyes that I admired so much.  She was so awesome, Karri or Carrie was her name.  I was sorry here when I wrote this and I still think of that night and feel bad that I hurt someone so much.  But in the moment, when she was mad, I didn’t show remorse and I didn’t apologize for what I did.  And that was what made her more mad at me.  That may be why I felt bad later.  Even though I can’t remember what I actually did, I do remember in that moment when she confronted me, I stood my ground and was unapologetic for what I had done.  I have a theory – let me digress… I used to hook up with other people’s boyfriends what I was younger, just to see if I could. So it could have been that I did that to her or a friend of ours.  Anyway, after my conquest was over, I had no interest in hooking up with their boyfriends upon being successful. This was always just a test for me and a learning process.  Now, do I think that was right?  Well… yes and no.  Looking at the big picture, I was doing this when I was 18 years old.  This was about experimenting for me.  There were no marriages being broken up, we were kids.  I think I knew that even then, that none of that was serious life stuff, hence, not sorry.  It was funny to me how serious it all was to everyone else involved though.  Lol!  Omg.  Yeah, I was a dick.  But I still wasn’t and still am not sorry.  That behavior changed as I matured, and because my experiments were successful and I had all the data I needed:  “Yes, I am capable of seducing and stealing men from other women,” that chapter was closed.  Next challenge: stripping.”

Then there was the time I was at a family reunion and I decided, “this is the perfect time to tell my dozen aunt and uncles and cousins that I’m a stripper.”  And so I did, and in a way that was very clear: “This is who I am and I’m not sorry.”  In fact, I’m so not sorry, that I will tell you in a way that I’m positive will make you uncomfortable.”  Well, maybe I hadn’t matured that much by then.  The outcome?  My entire family was forced to accept me.  It was “accept me or I’m outta here.”  Because I had told them in such a matter of fact in your face way, there was no room for talking me out of it, shaming me or convincing me not to show my pussy off to complete strangers.  To this day, my older cousin recalls that moment and how uncomfortable he was.  Maybe because he was afraid he’d run into me one night… 😉 (hahaha)

I don’t know about you, but I’m so tired of being sorry.  You know what I can’t find in the dictionary, is this version of sorry:  “Look at you and your sorry ass.”  We all know what that means, that version of sorry means pathetic.  UGH!  Now I associate “sorry” with pathetic!  This word holds weight.  My suggestion is to think before you use it.  Because I’m not fucking pathetic and neither are you!  Listen, being alive is a challenge.  We make mistakes all the time!  We drop things, we fall flat on our face, literally and figuratively, we forget, we are late, we break things, we lose things and sometimes, just sometimes, we can’t answer the damn phone! 

There was a time when I was with the incredible Lux ATL and the most incredible eclectic group of women at Strip Cabin.  It was an honor to be around them.  And let me tell you, every single one of us there was “extra” and not giving a fuck.  We were unapologetically being ourselves, expressing ourselves and crying, like a lot.  Like everyday several times a day.  Why?  Because we spend so much time apologizing to this fucking world.  And for three days straight, we did not say sorry, we had no one to offend because we all simply embraced each other fully and wholly.  It felt to gooooooood.  So good that it regularly brought tears to our eyes.  How I truly hope this feeling carried over into their every day lives. 

Living unapologetically allows you the freedom to truly tap into who you are and what you want to bring to the table during your life span.  This is it, man.  Don’t let anyone shame you into not pursuing your truth, no matter how weird or socially unacceptable it is.  Through my journey of testing out project “Steal all Babes Boyfriends”, I established my beliefs, (or non-beliefs) on monogamy.  I have a different perspective on what I think a long term relationship could look like.  My thoughts are way outside the box, and by not being sorry, not being afraid of others being mad at me, I grew, I learned, and yeah, I burnt some bridges on the way.  That’s okay though.  Some people will just not understand your journey.  But that’s just it, it’s your journey. 

So, are you going to grab this crazy bull by the horns?  Clamp your fists down, wrangle its head so you can stare into its wild, critical, close minded eyes and say “This is who I am, and I’m not even close to being sorry for that.”  Okay, before we get all crazy, baby steps yeah?  Just rethink being sorry for just living your every day life.  Stop apologizing for missing calls, for late texts or for being who you really want to be.  Honestly, you don’t even need to explain yourself.  You are living, you are amazing and you are one of a kind. 

I’d like to challenge you to start thinking about the words you use when you speak.  It’s so hard and after years of working on this, I still fuck up. Here are some examples of things I don’t say anymore because of the strong meaning behind them:

Should (the worst word ever, I will tell you why some day)

Nope (that hard P at the end…)

Yep (this is a recent one.  Again the hard P)

Can I get… (when ordering something)

Sorry (read above)

Calling men pussy or bitch (pussies are amazing and female dogs are rad as hell)

I’m too _____ (anything negative even as a joke)

That’s good enough for now.  But you get the idea.  Your words are powerful and have energy, just like you.  You are what you speak and think.  So, tell me now, are you sorry?  Because if you’re not, why use that word?  What energy would you like to be filled with?  Pathetic energy?  Or “I’m going to slay” energy.  It’s your choice.  You’re missing calls, texts and emails right now.  Make them wait and stop explaining yourself.  This is your life, your time and you get to choose how you feel.  Your feelings are born from words and thoughts. If you constantly say “I’m sorry,” you will start to believe it.  It seems trivial, but it’s one small step towards understanding how powerful you really are.