Everyone keeps asking me about my mental state. It’s the strongest it’s ever been I think. Everyone says, “You’re so positive!” Well, because when I lay all the pieces out and think about all the details logically, remaining positive makes the most sense. The only time I shed tears is when you, my amazing support system, does something out of kindness, generosity, and exhibits pure joy by helping a fellow human being. I’m crying right now thinking of all of the things you all have done for me. I’d like to give you some examples….
The other day I was going to pay my rent. I haven’t taken money out of Go Fund Me yet and I haven’t worked for three weeks, so funds were low. I was logging into my bank app to look at my money and in that moment, I got a Venmo notification from one of my best friends for $1200.00 titled “FOR RENT.” I put my phone down and started crying.
On Christmas Eve, another one of my best friends came to my hospital room and decorated it with Christmas stuff. She brought a wreath, stockings for me and mom with gifts inside and Christmas lights. Then she came the next morning to celebrate Christmas, sang and danced for me and with me. All the nurses said I had the best room.
The moment I hit the ground on the night of the accident, my immediate reaction was to get out of the street so I wouldn’t get hit again by a different car. Within seconds of being on the pavement, strangers rushed around me and I felt safe. That moment was the only time I felt scared, for those few seconds that I thought I would get hit again. People who I don’t even know comforted me, gave me hands to squeeze as we waited for the ambulance. One woman was praying over me. I never saw their faces. I wish I knew who they are.
The nurses and doctors at the hospital did so much for me. They became my buddies, they did EVERYTHING for me. The countless friends that visited me, the financial support you have all given me is invaluable. This money will keep me afloat as I figure out my new life. I cannot do this without my network, my friends, my family. Thank you to every single one of you out there that has supported me.
I must say, as logically as I’m thinking and dealing with this, if this accident happened at the end of 2017, I’d be dealing with this trauma very differently. At the end of 2017 into the beginning of 2018, things were not going well for me. I knew something had to change. I started meditating every day, I started seeing a hypnotherapist, I read “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” for the 12th time. I read “The Mastery of Love” and “The Four
Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I had many many conversations with myself. About how what happens is meant to
happen. That every moment we are in is perfect, because all the choices we make puts us in that situation. We learn with each new situation we are faced with. So, as I was laying there in the street, I thought of all the choices that led me to that moment. Then I realized, my only choice left was to go with the flow. Get to a hospital, find out what happened to my foot and then figure out what to do next from there. Ever since that moment, about 80% of the time I’ve been going with the flow and trying my best to learn from this experience. Every day I make a choice of how to deal with this situation I’m in. There is no bringing my toes back, there is no more dancing at Jumbo’s. But this does not mean my life is over. On the contrary, it’s like a whole new life is about to start. I’m grateful for this new path. I’m excited to see where it takes me.
For all of you out there that say to me, “I couldn’t deal with this as well as you are”, here is what I’d like to say about that. You don’t know how you would deal with it until it happens. I think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. But being mentally strong takes practice, just like anything else in life. I spend a massive amount of time talking to myself, asking myself questions about all the things that happen. I try to remove myself from the situation and look at each incident from all angles. Always asking myself how I can improve in the next similar scenario.
In stressful situations, I use techniques provided to me by my hypnotherapist, Ani. (who has changed my whole life) The morning I wrote my manifesto, the one so many of you have read, I was using hypnotherapy techniques. It was 6:00 a.m., I knew the plastic surgeon was coming any minute, I knew I had to see my foot for the first time. I was crying in the dark room, by myself. As fear was setting in, I decided to meditate using the practice of breathing in and out using colors to represent feelings. I did this for about two minutes, stopped crying and started writing.
Since then, fear is gone, anger and sadness is gone. It’s like this, people say, “I’m not strong enough to pole dance,” and what do we as pole dancers say back? “You have to build up to that strength, just like any other physical activity.” It’s the same with your brain, your emotions. It’s a practice. It’s something I practice everyday and only started doing at the beginning of 2018. I think I always sort of practiced, but 2018 was next level. And then the Universe was like “Here’s a monkey wrench! Let’s see how you deal with this!” Lol! And I was like “meh, no biggie.”
My faith in humanity was wavering for a while. Since election night of 2016. But I feel differently now. I feel like you get what you are looking for. I stopped reading/watching the news months ago. Back in October to be exact. I decided that I didn’t want toxicity in my life anymore. This accident took me out of a toxic situation that I was forcing myself to remain in. It showed me how much love is around me. It showed me that my hard work of maintaining my mental strength actually worked. It showed me that what you put out to the world, you get it back even
harder. I have spent years and years giving because it’s what I love to do. And you all stepped up to the plate and seem to find joy in giving back. So, thank you for being there for me, every single one of you.
Thank you for making me cry, because it’s the only time I do. When you show your love and support, emotions flow through me and allow me to feel. I love all of you so much, my brothers and sisters. Without you, I have nothing.
One last thought… There are things that happen to so many of us on a regular basis. Things we keep to ourselves, hard times that we push through alone or quietly. I’d like to acknowledge those people in particular and remind you that you are a warrior too. This life is crazy and anyone pushing through and living their best life every day is a warrior. My accident is socially acceptable to talk about. Other people are dealing with things just as hard or harder than me that they may feel is uncomfortable to talk about publicly. You are the ones I think about the most. You are the ones that I want to support and help the most. I hope you have the support you need. Ask and you shall receive because when I’m healthy again, I’m going to be here for you. Be nice to yourselves out there, all of you. Thanks so much for reading.
I’m sorry to anyone that is not pictured here. There are so many of you that I’m grateful for and think of regularly!